chaos_intellect's Journal

1:30pm: Sick of waiting
I'm starting to really get irritated with all of this waiting around I'm doing. Waiting for work, waiting for friends to make up their minds, waiting for women to figure out what they want in life. Seriously... I dont know if I really want to be waiting around anymore for anything... its really REALLY pissing me off now...

2:32pm: Just wanted to post cause its been 50 weeks since I last updated. Its about time.

11:10pm: Today's Normalities
So you got your

Street thugs and skater punks

Your chronic stubleing everyday drunks

Football boys and cheerleader chicks

Tease southern kids, say they come from the hicks

Vouge women and GQ men

Two packs of cigerettes passed for a ten

Drugged up teens with STD's

Are too fucked up just to see

What life is about and what they got

Sooner or later they will get shot

With the bullet of life the bullet of truth

Just to screw the futures of our youth

These are some of todays normalities

Society has turned them into formalities

Is this what we're destined to be?

The only thing we see on tv

Fast food chains are up everywhere

Obiesiety is just too much to bare

The fast and the simple easy way out

Is just enough to make me sick and shout

What the fuck is wrong with us all

Cant even go out and throw 'round a ball

To get up and get out of this place

To set a standard to set the pace

The youth is where it all begins

Forget trying to just fit in

We shouldnt have to fight for respect

Its something we should all expect

Prideful and selfish actions we take

To think about the actions we make

Some land in jail and some in the grave

Thats the way some of us have to pay

It doesnt have to end like that

With pistols with shotguns and with gats

We need to stop and think it through

Stop and think of me and you

These are some of todays normalities

Society has turned them into formalities

Is this what we're destined to be?

The only thing we see on tv

Fuck this shit is what I have to say

Our future is made by our youth, our way

11:44am: =^_^=
Heyo! I is happy :) Yay. w00t. We all should be very happy. I am. Are you?

8:13pm: Heyo!
Heyo! Yeah... I said it

1:32pm: Blah
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10:52pm: Wow...
Wow. So people -actually- do look at my LJ and comment?! Holy shit in a bucket. Thats utter craziness! I are... baffeled! What to say now... I mean... like... wow.

12:01pm: So yeah...
So yeah. Its time to update. Lots of stuff happend. I happen to be in the middle of alot of it. I guess I dont feel like talking bout it. Cause I never do. Comment bishes!

9:21pm: Oh the updates...
Yeah, so I havent quite updated this in some time. My bad. Not like many people really read up on this though, heh. So what the fuck? I mean, I find somebody who sparks my interest and then I find out that she has a boyfriend. Then I'm all like 'Alright, I wont be trying anymore for anybody else...' and then another girl pops up and we have a grand old time and then I find out... SHE HAS A FUCKING BOYFRIEND! I mean, whats up with my luck as of now?

So I just found out that one of them broke up with her boyfriend (yay for me...?) and that kinda leaves the gate open for me to move in. I'm kinda at the gate looking in but I donno if I should walk up and knock or just turn around and pretend I was never there. Geez... whats up with that kind of shit? Guh!

Oh and Boston was great loads of fun. I dont think I've had that good of a time with anybody in a few years. I really enjoyed myself then. Wine, pictures, The Other Side Cafe, drunken pictures, sober pictures, carving names into trees, public gardens, the Common... oh so many other things to mention. I have got to do that again. Maybe sometime I can get a whole group of people there or at least three others again. Twas most enjoyable.

Anyways, I guess I'm just being a pretencious bitch again going on about my women problems. I gotta stop doing that. Meh, I guess its all from habbit. Oh well. I'll catch everybody else around some other time, I guess?

8:16pm: Oh the roadtrips
Oh the roadtrips of today. Gotta love the random rides to my house for a router. Such small events will lead to other great adventures. Router for Kevin's house. Monitor for Ian and his... blochy(?) laptop. Cookies, well a handful for Ian and a few others for the road. Subway in Holden. Ian driving my car. Padiddles and stripping in my car. I don't think things can get too much better than this. Oh the joys of Java Adventures. Heh, updates later.

1:58am: *sigh*
Okay, so yeah. I havent updated in quite some time so I guess I should. Alot has happened between my last post and now. As of recent I am going to my cousin's wedding tonight but my date(s) have bailed out on me. I kinda feel a little upset and somewhat rejected in that apsect. One of them I kinda got into a fight with so I can see why her and I wouldnt be going. We are working things out though so things are getting better but still to early to be going to things like that together. Another one had something come up that couldnt be helped and I can understand why she cant come. Legal issues suck. Lastly the one who I was hoping could come (not that I didnt hope that any of them could come or whatever... whatev lol) had an appoitment she forgot about and couldnt come. It was last minute anyways so I kinda didnt expect her to come anyways.

So aside from being somewhat bummed out about that I've been hanging out at the Hut alot. ALOT. I feel like I spend waaay to much time there but the people down there are just too addicting to leave. The things that go on and being apart of what seems like a totally different society is quite heartwarming. I enjoy all of thier company, though sometimes I do get a little frusterated with thier personalitites cause thats just who I am, they're all round good people. I am happy I spend as much time down there that I do.

Well yeah, I dont intend on making this an acutal journal but whatev. I just needed to update it. Ahn nyhung e kaseyo!

9:29pm: My shattered heart....
Well tonight has taken it's toll.
I'll dig myself a deep earthy hole.
I'll dive head first into the dark,
For today is the day that I mark
The day I truely died....

Wow, I wish things could have been different between us Katie. I'm sorry I coldn't have been a better person. I wish alot of things, but most of all I wish that you're happy. I wish that you're happy with everything you do. No grudges from me anymore. I just wish you happiness. I'm sorry again. Don't expect we'll ever talk or see eachother again. I know it's what you want. Goodbye Katie.

12:51am: My heart's sanctuary
Find the place in your heart. It's sanctuary. Bind it with your soul. For it will be the one place you can keep peace of mind. Trials will arise. Trouble the fibers of your being. Don't lose touch. Keep pressing foward. The trials will soon pass. With time you shall come to find your sanctuary again. Dive into it. You shall be enclosed. The power you possess will devower you. Swallow the pain. The suffering you sustain will be of just cause. You will come to grips. Learn. Take in what you have from it. Absorb it into you. You shall not bend. For when the situation arises again, if ever, you shall be stronger. Fight. Be that person. Go with it. Take from your experiences. Throw out what you have been told. Only will you learn from your own doings that you can conqure all.

Find your sanctuary. Keep it lit. Keep it close at hand. Draw on it. Power will surge through you. Find that you are more overcomming than that of which it wants. Drive it away. Knowledge is key. Know what is just. Do it. You are your own God in this place. Rely on your powers. They will come in hand. When you have learned to harness this power, you shall be able to overtake any trials. Got it? Good. Now conqure yourself. Harness the spirit. Chain it to you. Only then will you find your sanctuary. Only then will you be able to overcome. Inbed yourself to it. It's warmth will keep you aware and content. Find it. Find your heart's sanctuary.

9:34pm: A Lack of Stability...
A sense of stability is what I lack. I know it seems wrong but it's something that has always been with me. A sense of loneliness. A sense of repetition. A sense of instability. A sense of insecurity. My senses have failed. My senses have abandoned me. A senseless boy.

How come it has come to me. How come my senses have fled back to me. Why? Self-obscurity. I thought I knew myself, but it has proven me wrong. I know now what I must do. I have to let it all go. I have to cruise the wind. Take it as it comes. Just DEAL. Some would say I'm too emotional. Some I'm irrational. Some say I'm non-caring. Some would say I'm just too damn pessimistic. Well I know I am, but how come now? How come now is the time I decide to change?

Is it because I could lose it all? Is it because I don't want to lose something good in my life? Is it because I'm finally fond of something? Is it because of that? Hmm, it's thoughts like these that tease the intellect. My intuition is telling me to do what I must. I must do it, or risk everything.

So a lack of stability might be the way to go. Don't dwell on it. Just fucking move on. Work like you do. Talk like you do. Do the things I used to do. It will all fall into place. Just depends on when and where. Most of all, it depends on who. I will not judge that, nor will I fight fate. Let the cosmos decide where I belong. I have just about forgotten all about you. I still keep you in my mind. I shall be around. I hope you will too.

I am off. On an adventure. Life. It's fun, yet it's challenging. Without challenge though, I think I'd stab myself in the eye with a burning plastic spork. Hehe, I like that word. Anyways, for all thoes who read this, it is now that I have come to this conclusion: FUCK THIS SHIT! Stop dwelling and start moving, or you shall be forever bound to the life of restriction and just bring a whole lot of shit to not only me, but people you care about. So get over it and move the fuck on. Good luck. I'll see you at the end of the road where we all come together.

9:45pm: Rampant Thoughts...
My mind wanders. About things. Situations. Contemplation. Sifting through endless captions of life. Happiness. Dispair. Desire. Hate. So many things. My life has turned so many times. Where is it going? Where am I going? What is the outcome? Why has this happened? Who will come to me? Will I be happy? Am I good enough?

My mind wanders. Through debris of fractured peices of memories. Engraved on the brain yet fragmented through time. Engulfed in a hazy aura clouding the clearity of the full picture. The lessions learned. The ideals taught. How long has it been since I've taken that dive into my constructs of the mind? How often have I been lead back to this location? When will I be able to sever the chains of the relentless thoughts? When will I become a whole again?

My mind wanders. A glimps of somebody's face. I recognize it. Who? How do I know you? Why are you important? Why do I see your face? What are you hiding? What is your secret? Have you something to tell me? A glimps of the future. A life of who I would love to be. A life filled beyond all my desires. A utopia. A glimps of the future. A life of self-infliction. A life filled with all my decisions that lead me and leave me untold truths. A life of mystery. A life of contemplation. A life of darkness.

My mind wanders. How many times have I followed you through my mind? How often does your face seem to flicker past memories of us? A past of glory. A past of friendship. A past of happiness. Why? Why does your face not show that but the past of uncertanty? Why are nights filled with tears? Why are you sobbing? Why am I gone? Why have I been shunned? What has happened? You walk away. Your face dissipates into nothing but fumes of what could be.

My mind wanders. I have spent countless hours in my mind. My plexus filled with thoughts. Of everything. Of who I am, what I've done and what I have to do. What is my goal? What is it that I must accomplish? What is it? Why? Why have I come to a point of consideration? A consideration for something out of who I am? Compromis? Let's take it. Maybe the real me has yet to show itself. I have shaped who I am. Let's now carve out my details to make me who I am. Why I run. What makes me, me.

1:39am: Insanity drives me to the edge...
This utter confusion. It's driving me insane! I can't sit still. I can't think straight. I can't stop thinking about you. Constantly your on my mind. I don't know why? Is it because I'm in love with you? Could it be that I'm obsessed with you? Could it be that I'm worried about you? I don't know!! I don't have any idea on what I'm supposed to do. I can deal with waiting, but the waiting game is one I do not enjoy in the least. I HATE it. I want to resolve everything right now. I know we can't resolve it because it would be something we both don't want. I want you. I know you don't want me. It's really depressing.

I don't know if you have any idea what it's like to be pushed away by somebody you are totally in love with. I love you. I can't stand being away from you. I live off of your happiness. I know I didn't make you happy the past month. I wish you had given me a second chance. You gave me a 'trial run' but you never gave me enough time to prove myself with that time. You didn't. I honestly think you had your mind set on ending everything between us that night. Wednesday night. I think you were planning on going with your friend when it came time to leave. I couldn't stand it.

How you left me there. It was hearwrenching. You know I was ready to just jump in front of the next car to go by. I was conetmplating about jumping in front of the car you were in. I would rather die by you than by myself. I don't know what I'm saying. I'm anxious, nervous, paranoid and depressed. You haven't been the only one who's been unhappy the past month! I AM TRYING TO CHANGE THAT!!! I want to make you happy!

You think that I don't? You think that I'm out to make you miserable? What was the first month we had? What was that?! You think now that I'll never make you that happy? You think that you don't want to be with me anymore? Why? Because you think that I haven't changed?! YOU HAVENT GIVEN ME THE CHANCE TO SHOW YOU!!! I wish you'd see that. That you're being very hasty with your decisons. That I don't think you're fully thinking through everything.

I thought we had a PERFECT day Saturday. We laughed, had a few jokes, made fun of eachother, hugged, kissed and were happy. How come we can't be like that always? How come you didn't give me a chance to be like that Wednesday? It seemed that you were so determined to get me upset that night. That you're intentions were to only hurt me. To just make me cry. I don't mean this. I don't mean to get you angrier with me. I'm just ranting and raving. I just wish you could see how this affects me.

It's driving me nuts. I know you could care less. Sometimes I worry about that. Sometimes I worry that if I did die you'd just think "What a selfish bastard". But what if it wasn't my fault? I doubt you'd even visit me at the hospital. I want you in my life! I really do! But sometimes I think that you just don't want me in your life.

What I did was horrible. But we ALL FUCK UP SOMETIME. I fucked up! I FUCKED UP!! Just because I fucked up once, doesn't mean I'm going to again. You don't seem to think that I can learn from my mistakes. You know how upset I was when you were angry with me! I am still that upset. Because now you want me out of your life because of that. If you really do want me out of your life, I guess I was just a waste of your time. I appologize for wasting it. I appologize for making the first month together great and fucking off the second month. Just too bad that it couldnt have gone furthier.

I remember you saying that we were the 'perfect couple'. I guess we wern't perfect enough in your eyes. You were perfect in mine. That's where the differences in the relationship tore us apart. I just wish you had given me a second chance. If by chance you are reading this, I really don't mean to instagte anything. It's just a few thoughts. You never want to talk to me and I NEED to talk. So since I can't talk to you, because you wont give me the time of day, then I'm going to say it to the world to say publicly: I'M FUCKING SORRY!! I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY!!!!!!!!!!!!

Forgive me. Forgive me for making the first month of our relationship perfect. Forgive me for making you happy for just some time. Forgive me for making you laugh. Forgive me for being me. Don't forgive me for what I fucked up for. Don't forgive me for fucking up once. Don't forgive me for smoking. If you did, then I guess I need to re-evaluate how I think of you.

I still love you and I know you hate me saying that. But love wouldnt drive me to the edge. Love wouldnt drive me to give myself cigerette burns. Love wouldnt drive me to the point where I want to wrap my car around a pole. All that isnt because I hate the world. Its because I hate myself for what I've done to you. You're world would be such a better place without me. Oh well. I guess I'm just gonna be fucked over and alone for the rest of my fucking life.

I'm sorry to you. I'm sorry for what I've done tonight. I'm sorry for what I've written. Its all just comming out as blurrs to me. I dont know what I'm wrirting. If you decide to read this, dont take it serously. I know you might but dont. Dont hate me more for this. I'm just speaking to something because you're not speaking to me.

Fuck this shit...fuck it! DAMN IT ALL TO HELL!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!! Lol.

5:42pm: My inner void spreads...
Darkness. Light shown upon nothing. A continual void of black. A feeling of nothing. Cold. The darkness spreads. It spreads like a plauge upon the defenseless mind. The mind is controlled. Overtaken. Immersed in a complex liquid of fear and dispair. It is threaded against the heart with peircing wires barbed with anguish. The pain upon the person whom it grips with relentless hands shall not give in.

Darkness. The void within my being is being overtaken by a pre-emptive strike against the conceince. The mind, body and soul were at one with another. The darkness spreads. Mauling apart the once united fibers of myself. It's stabbing, scratching, bleeding me. My blood flows upon my body. Drops of love, hope and joy flow out through the gnashing of the skin. Hold my body close. The pain will not give in.

Darkness. Harnessing the equlibrium of the human mind. It takes over my actions. It makes me hurt the ones I love. The darkness has become my being. The darkness has become mine. Mind, body and soul are now converged once again. Not with the silver lineing it once held. Now with a twisted, rustic strand of darkened blood of my body. Let me go. The pain will not give in.

Darkness. How forever it seems. It lasts forever to the wandering eye. My darkness has forever taken hold. It shows no signs of ease. My torture is it's pleasure. My pain is it's food. My tainted blood is it's wine. Don't let the darkness spread to you. The pain will not give in.

Light. It has carved itself into an impenertrable wall. A wall surrounded by a consistant beat. A beat of hope. A beat of happiness. A heart. My heart. It shall beat on until the day the darkness overthrows the one powerful light in my body. Let the light radiate stronger. Let the light prevail over my darkness. My being. Bring me to the light. Let it shine free. You will see my light again one day. The pain will subside.

4:01am: Time...
Time. It's against everybody. No matter who you are or what you do. No matter if you're a celebraty or bum. President or the average Joe. Rich or poor. Time is always against you. Time...

Time can be a good thing though. Time changes things. Time changes minds. Time changes moods. Time can change lives. It's with time that we come to grips with past events in our lives. It's with time that we come to understand why things happen. It's with time that we can fall in love. Time...